I have always tried everything my husband wants in bed. His last request makes me sick.

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Dear How do we do it,

My husband of over 20 years and I have dabbled in BDSM/stuck for most of our relationship. Although he is more into some things than I am, I have tried my best to please him but maintain some boundaries. Recently, he gave me the shock of my life.

He told me he wanted to get a submissive to do the things I don’t like. The last six years have been difficult with multiple cancer treatments and surgeries. My body isn’t what it used to be and we don’t have sex or cramps like we used to. But the thought of him being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. He backed off once he realized how much it hurt me, but I know he still wants to do it. I want to discuss my concerns and boundaries, but he just keeps telling me how messed up he is and that he doesn’t know how to fix it. If I don’t let him get rid of his dirty desires and he does it anyway, it would lead to a divorce. I have so many questions and I don’t know how to ask him about any of them.

— Bound and heartbroken

Jessica Stoya: I understand that our writer is a hard no to open the marriage, but is afraid that their husband will go out of the marriage if they do not open it.

Rich Juzwiak: Yes.

Jessica: And it sounds like the LW is pushing himself to compromise because if he were to force the issue by walking out without a deal, that would be a deal breaker. So the LW is confused by fear.

Rich: Yes. It seems that this type of rebound anxiety also exists. They write that he got sick from the stomach. He was upset about it, and now they are upset about his reaction to their reaction. Maybe it’s worth listening to your first reaction. That is, unless you feel like you’re being hasty or dramatic and saying, “This makes me sick to my stomach,” was a knee-jerk reaction that actually over time evolves into, “Well, well, maybe it’s not that bad.” Right? I don’t understand exactly where the LW is emotionally. I don’t understand if they are acting out of fear, as it seems, and now they are saying, “Actually, I could do this way to do that.”

Jessica: Look, this resonates with me because in business negotiations, 90 percent of the time when someone presents an idea to me, I’ll say, “No, no, it’s not possible. Wait, hold on. Let’s consider this.”

Rich: Yes.

Jessica: “What if it was like that? What if it was…” I’m 38 years old, I’ve been in business in one way or another for nearly 20 years, and still to this day, when someone brings me a perfectly good idea, my first response is: Absolutely. no. Wait, hold on, maybe…” So I’m not sure if it’s a character flaw I need to work with or a very understandable aspect of being human.

Rich: I think the latter.

Jessica: I feel like it’s both. I think it’s a very understandable part of being human that needs to be worked on as well. So, I can absolutely see our LW saying “No.” And then saying, “Well, actually, if it was done in certain ways, if my concerns were heard effectively, if the boundaries were clear and in a certain position…”

Rich: Within this dynamic that he proposed, there are many. It can involve sex, but it can also not involve sex. I mean, sometimes subs give unpaid work, basically. And if everyone is unhappy about it and this sub is doing things our LW doesn’t want to do, as the husband proposed, you can only focus on the good of it. You don’t need to lift a finger.

But I know it’s more complicated than that. There seems to be a lot to talk about. It would be nice to get together and go with, “It’s okay, I’m open to figuring out how to make us both happy with this. Let’s talk about it. Let’s start this conversation. You don’t have to keep apologizing.”

Jessica: They might try, “I was scared, and now that I’ve had some time to process, I want to talk about this suggestion.”

Rich: Yes. And give it some time to process your processing. You are at the end of your rage cycle. He may still be in the middle. That’s why he keeps apologizing. So it’s this kind of ripple effect. Let the water settle first, and then move and start talking about it. This will have to be a negotiation. Maybe nothing comes of it. Maybe it’s still too much. But if he wanted that, chances are he’ll be fine with you going back and having a conversation where he gets some of what he wants.

Jessica: As for the many questions our writer has, something she can do in her time is to write all those questions down. Mental health experts say handwriting is the best way. I tend to write on a memo note on my phone or a document on my computer. Even talking to a trusted friend can help. But just get it all out, sort it out, and then write those questions down and prioritize them. Figure out what the most important questions are and start there. Because this huge mess with so many echoes throughout the relationship is probably not a single issue of discussion. It’s probably something you’ll have to talk about in bits and pieces over time.

Rich: Yes. Also, if, for whatever reason, you can’t spark that conversation where you both reconsider this, then you can give him a letter. You can give him essentially what you wrote to us in paper form. That might get things going, and then he might text you back. As long as you are communicating, there isn’t really a problem. It seems like a slower pace in this case would actually be beneficial because of the type of knee ricochet that occurred. So take a beat, take some time. It’s really okay to do that.

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